beanfoto’s blog

I'm going back to China.

Vox will be blocked.

I'll miss the mental stimulation I've got from it whilst in the West.

There are people out there who think, and think differently!

Some seem to exist in other realities than mine, some of them I wish I could share a reality with

. But all is Maya, (man).

If you're not Buddhist, not named your cub after it, or are trying to think which came first, them or the Aztecs, it means illusion.

 We all create our own realities, some are grim, some are pleasing but most are mundane.

There aren't too many different realities in China, many people seem to prefer not to think, or feel, (sometimes wish I could do that when being sensitive hurts, but ONLY then).

Vox people I shall miss you, neighbours please email me bits that stimulate you.

Please.

Thank you, and till I can talk with you again,, goodbye

Spare a thought for all of those less fortunate than yourselves. Some of them are not trendsetters, not obsessed with their body shape, or computer literate.

Some of them don't even live in America , or know American brand names/ soaps/ cult TV intimately

For some of them, slow Broadband access would only be a problem if they had a computer.

Others with computers find that where they are access to the Internet is far from free, ( as in unrestricted).

I am returning to China myself.

I know that Vox, simular, ( and diverse), sites will be blocked.

I will miss it but I will survive, maybe friends could email snippets?

What I would ask you to do is realise that you are in a privileged position, think about others especially those who cannot even dream about what you take for granted.

Go look for a charity that makes sense to you and works in an area that you can sympathise with .

Give it your support/ time/ money.

Join with others to make it a less skewed world.

Get angry.

Make a difference, change the world

As such I can live easily on about $2,( That's £1 in real money, or 15 RMb in very tatty unhygenic Chinese money).

The apartment, DVD player, washing machine, computer, ( with broadband), come with the job., So I buy food, dvds when Hollywood releases something worth watching, ( rare),and as many musical instruments as will fit in a small Chinese apartment.

I could eat cheaper at the University canteen but I'm a vegan. 

I work as a ESOL teacher and work about 16 hours a week.

Downsider? Rich kid students and the little my money buys in the Western world

bean

What does your name mean and why did your parents choose it for you? 
Submitted by mommy2two.

David means Beloved in Hebrew,

I'm sure my parents didn't know this, and in light of my upbringing, "Smothered" would have been a better choice.

My mother is the archetype of the comic Jewish mother.....

And we're not even Jewish!

When was the last time you made a drastic change to your personal style (i.e., wardrobe, hairstyle, etc.)? What did you do? 
Submitted by miyna. 

I crawled out of my sickbed, got myself on a TEFL course and.....

Went to China!

I'm back in the old country to try and decently bury a relationship that has been dead for 8 years.

I tried, ( and cried), to revive it for 2 of those years but all I got was exclusion , and wet pillows.

In the end I realised the effort I was wasting should be turned towards moving on.

I was silly really. I am Tibetan Buddhist and Buddhism teaches that possessions, ( and this includes attachment to people) tie you to the Wheel of LIfe, Death and Rebirth.

This Rebirth was very painful.

Imagine being unable to gather the energy to go to the toilet for a pee, and having to  work on getting up for over an hour, pain in ALL your muscles, ALL the time, wanting to do things and having, after getting up , to focus on each step to prevent the  I can't go on syndrome. I once stood on the approaches to Wolverhampton train station, ( NOT a place to "Stand and Stare"),literally sweating, trying to move one foot in front of the other.

It's depression not ME the doctor said. Who told him he knew me better than I knew myself?

By then I realised I had been dealing with other people's depression all my life.

My mother's, ( I used to call our house Gormanghast),  made me the person I am, who will talk only to the people he wants to, and only when he wants, but with a burning desire to help the worthy who question their self worth when it shines out to all those around them.

My father's that manifested itself in irrational Anxiety that eventually killed him, but not before I saw him one last time, in an attack where he was like someone from another planet, I recognised so little of his mind.

My ex's who could deal with only a vastly simplified world where I was excluded even in the face of my stated willingness to go with her changes.

And my kids, my kids.

My son, who in my years away has at last recognised he has a problem that excludes him from almost any human relationship and any attempt at actually growing up.

And my daughter, who for many years demanded more of my attention than anyone with any self esteem could ever give. She and my slow recovery from ME, ( I still live in fear of Stress putting me back on my back), helped me into my greatest of life changes, not so much a running away as an ordered retreat.

Anyway I spent a weekend at her and her boyfriend's house.

She took me for a walk and the "TALK".

Her world is still very much one in which everything is seen only as far as it relates to her.

She has been convinced for many years that my marriage was never happy, and invented violent arguments between us.

The arguments could get noisy  but most of my marriage rated as happy, even if it didn't always match the Happy Families image of the media.

For me, The Simpsons, apart from Homer's stupidity and Bart's bad side stand more as an ideal family than the plastic, fixed smile media image  Or the getting dressed up for the school run, in the Middle Class areas, and the just leapt out of bed look, ( literal not assumed) of the 3 generations on the dole, entirely benefit dependent parents, at least the ones who care enough to take their children to school.

The Simpsons at least really do love each other.

My daughter painted a picture of a marriage that I could not recognise as mine, said that she had felt afraid of me, but could give no other examples than the fact that sometimes I had to get away from all her demands on me.

Years ago that picture , in all it's inaccuracies, hurt .

Now, my statement that her mother meant nothing to me now, seemed to hurt her, even tho' I said it with no malice and explained to her how I refuse to dwell on the past.

She has made progress with her life and I hope she actually heard what I was saying, but I can't be sure.

I suggest to anyone who has relationship problems to give time and energy to trying and understanding the other party, and what they are REALLY saying.

If you don't like it, make sure you've heard right, if you can.

Then, step back,and ask yourself,,

" Is this worth any more emotional investment"

Don't get emotionally overdrawn, life can be harder than the worst of Bank Managers.

Hakuna Matata, ( or at least TRY).

I could tell you so many stories about the lack of understandable culture in China, but I have to go back there, to rescue at least one native from oppression.

Not the opression you're thinking of, actually I find China to be even more Capitalistic than America , at the moment, ( yes, I have been to both).

Rather the rescue of a Chinese woman who knows what oppression can mean. The opression of  a Mainland Chinese husband.

I may be biased but if I were a woman, I wouldn't want one of them for a husband. They pass from mother to wife without picking up any domestic skills on the way, ( I generalise of course and there ARE exceptions, I'm sure , somewhere out there), other than that of pouring boiling water on Instant noodles, ( If you think the Chinese are all great cooks, try a Chinese supermarket with several aisles of..... Instant Noodles). So most Chinese men are about as much help in a domestic situation as ...babies.

Don't get me wrong, Chinese women can assert themselves in the same way as I found with my Japanese friends, the man may appear to be in command but the woman  generally gets what she wants by skilful manipulation and guile.

That is not the area that concerns me. Chinese women can NAG with the best. What I have seen far too often is the open mistreatment of women, violence in the street that  would provoke English people  to intervene directly, ( and we a retiring race).

In China no one does or dares, all because of " Face", that Chinese universal that no foreigner will ever understand.